||[Jun. 4th, 2013|09:13 pm]
It seems Satan was sitting in his office when one of his lieutenants dashed in. "Boss! Boss! Something's wrong with the #6 furnace! We can't keep the temperature up!"|
Satan wasn't too worried. This happened sometimes; Hell's infrastructure was over six thousand years old, and even Eternal stuff develops problems over time. But some adjustments, some tweaking, and they'd be back to roasting the wicked in no time. "I'm sure it's fine. We'll just go take a look, OK?"
But when they got to Furnace #6, it didn't look like anything was wrong. The fires were high, the valves were unclogged, but the lake of fire was visibly lower than it should have been. Still, most of the tormented souls looked to be in satisfactory agony. Except...out in the middle of the lake, there was one guy who'd stopped screaming.
"Turn this thing up all the way!" Satan called to the devils manning the furnace. "Get that lake boiling again!" The imps leaped to comply, but no matter how they worked the controls, the flames kept dropping. That guy out in the middle of the lake looked thoughtful.
"More fuel!" Satan roared, and loggers in the Amazon doubled their pace of deforestation, all to feed Furnace #6, but the lake of fire sputtered and went out. That guy out in the middle of the lake got a funny little smile on his face.
"More fuel!" Satan screamed, and around the world, a million bankers dropped dead, their black hearts scavenged to supplement the coal supply for Furnace #6, but the lava in the lake started to solidify. That guy out there started to grin.
"More fuel!" Satan shrieked, and all over the world, oil rigs ran dry as the oil fields were drained out from under them to pour life back into Furnace #6, but the lake was cool enough for the tormented souls to walk around on. Nobody was screaming anymore, and that one guy started to chuckle.
"More fuel!" Satan gasped, but there was no more fuel. Clouds formed overhead, and a single flake of snow drifted down, mockingly, in front of Satan's face. That one, solitary guy started to cheer.
Satan couldn't take it any more. He stomped through the growing snowbanks, grabbed the cheering fool by the collar, and shouted in his face. "WORM! HOW DARE YOU MOCK ME! WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS?!?"
Around his chuckles, the guy managed to gasp out, "All I know is I'm a Mariners fan, and they must have just won the World Series!"
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